10 tips to help anyone thinking about, or going through a divorce

Whether you're at the end of your relationship tether or in the middle of splitting assets, these tips may help you navigate what's next.

There seem to be several universal truths about divorce: one, nobody gets married thinking they’ll get divorced; two, everyone’s circumstances are different; three, if you haven’t been through it, it’s hard to relate to or understand anyone going through it; and lastly, despite it being extremely common, it is extremely hard and painful – a trauma, in fact.

My divorce was amicable, and yet it was still one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. Amongst many things, it was saying goodbye to a life that I signed up for, a commitment that I made in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer. But also, a traditional family life. I recognise now, a few years on, that I was lucky how smoothly the whole process went and how much I grew from it. So I thought it would be worth sharing some tips/ ideas to help anyone thinking about divorce or going through one at the moment.

"There seem to be a couple of universal truths about divorce: one, nobody gets married thinking they’ll get divorced."

1. It’s easier to work on your marriage than to go through a divorce

You need to try everything to make your marriage work. And I mean everything. If you’ve tried everything and you’re still convinced, well then... For me, for my peace of mind, I had to know that I had tried everything.

2. Be 1000% sure

Not 99%. 1000%. This is related to the first point, but worth saying again. You need to know with every fibre of your being, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that this is what you want. One of my oldest friends called me one day saying that’s it, she was fed up, she wanted a divorce and was asking for my advice. In the conversation she mentioned she was still sleeping with her husband. Now, if you can still sleep with your husband YOU ARE NOT READY. Plain and simple. You need to get to the point where sleeping in the same bed is absolutely not an option, let alone sleeping with the guy.

3. Talk without emotion

This was probably one of the best pieces of advice I was given at the time. When you start the conversations with your husband or partner, make sure you’re in a place where you can speak calmly, rationally and productively about the topic. Yes, of course it is fraught with so much emotion: anger, frustration, resentment etc. But if you’re hoping to be heard and to make a point and have it taken seriously, please take all the emotion out and almost treat it like a business conversation. Super hard, but oh so effective. If you get emotional, they won’t hear a word you’re saying. Fact.

4. Draw a line and move forward

Once a decision is made, deal with all the legalities and paperwork immediately. If possible, use a mediator and avoid lawyers. Be clear about what you are prepared to negotiate on and what your deal breakers are. You need to live with the outcome, so make sure it’s an outcome you can live with. Don’t drag things out, and don’t leave any issues half-baked, open or unresolved. Tie up all the loose ends, sign it and draw a line. Without this line, it’s hard to move forward and put it all behind you.

5. Tell the children

If you have kids, tell them before anyone else around you knows. They have to hear it from you first. We spoke to a child psychologist about how best to communicate divorce to children, and they told us the following: children intrinsically know they come from a mother and a father, so when this status quo is challenged they feel their stability is threatened. The first question to answer is: “Who will look after me?” I always said to the kids that we will always be their mum and dad – we just weren’t good as husband and wife.

6. Pay a therapist, party with your friends

One of the harshest realisations I had at the beginning of my divorce process, is that everyone has their own shit, on a good day, and while our friends all have good intentions to help, for the most part, they cannot. For a lot of my married friends, it was also confrontational. No one will actually tell you this, but trust me. So, pay a professional if you can afford one – I can’t stress enough the importance of having this support. Enjoy the time with your friends as a distraction away from it all, because you’ll need it. Some friends, or rather ‘friends’ won’t make it through the whole journey with you and if they don’t, trust it’s for the best in the long run, no matter how painful it may seem at the time.

7. Trust the process

It’s a long healing process, I’m not going to lie. To me it felt like a long dark tunnel, and I just wanted to get to the light, like now. But, like I said, it’s a trauma. Take the time to mourn your loss, and then focus on yourself and what you need to heal. A great piece of advice I received was to create a support network, of family, friends, therapists – a support network you can tap into at any point during the journey, but also when you come out the other end. It’s just a great resource to create for yourself as an individual navigating this complex life.

8. Do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that brings you joy

I watched a lot of comedy. I started dancing. I started getting regular massages. I painted my nails all different colours. I started supporting women who were victims of GBV. Whatever it is, big or small, do what brings a smile to your face. And if you have no idea what that is, that’s ok. Just start doing everything that you’re curious about, because in this, you will start getting to know yourself again.

9. Don’t rush into a new relationship

I understand that this may be tempting for some. This is the ultimate distraction, the ultimate way to forget about the pain. The thing is, it takes two to get a divorce, and that means figuring out what role you played in it. Without doing the work, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again with someone else. It takes time to focus on yourself, to do the work so that you can grow and become a better version of yourself. Ultimately, you do it so you will be attracted to, and attract, someone different (and better) the next time around. I’m not suggesting that you don’t have fun. My advice would be to just keep it casual while you figure the big stuff out. Oh, and before your ex takes your kids away for a weekend with their new fling, I also feel it’s useful to advise here to make an agreement around how and when you would introduce any significant others into your kids’ lives.

10. Find yourself, again

This is probably what takes the longest, but is also the most rewarding part of the process. I was a doormat when I got divorced. A shadow of my former self. I found myself in the most unexpected ways, including listening to my old playlists. Crying all the tears, feeling all the pain, finding what gave me joy – I emerged so much stronger. My divorce in many ways felt like my rebirth. It was extraordinarily painful and difficult, but what I discovered on the other end, was stronger and more beautiful than anything I could’ve ever imagined.