When a man wants you to take control in the bedroom and you feel a little … lost.
It happened about a year ago. The handsome man I was dating was on another continent. We were going to see each other again in a couple of weeks. The sexual tension was high.
We’re talking on the phone and he says to me: “Take me anytime, anywhere.”
Sure, my yoni momentarily lit up, I swooned and became a little wet. But I noticed something else. My internal response wasn’t an “oh hell yes!” but a shy, shrinking away and wondering "Oh god, how do I do it? How have I done it before?”
I know wine helps.
Don’t get me wrong, I have taken charge in the bedroom before. Pushing him against the wall, peeling his clothes off, taking him in my mouth, being on top (not all in one go – ok maybe sometimes) But here’s the issue for me. I never finish. I can “play the role” for a little while and then I peter out.
So when my lover made a request to be taken … I started to panic.
I turned to my friends. “How do you take a man?” I asked. It wasn’t clear to them at first that I was referring to taking a man sexually, taking control in the bedroom. That was funny. (I’ll share what they said in the next post.)
I’ve read it’s perfectly normal to respond to a partner’s sexual desire this way – with a little trepidation. Women who are confident about being on top for instance, aren’t the ones being asked by their partner to be on top. The request creates an initial separation.
Like in a relationship, the more one partner wants sex, the more anxiety-inducing it is for the other. If you’re in a strained sexual relationship where he wants it more than you do, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Right? Groan.
I’ve developed an insecurity about being on top.
I hit a wall. It gets boring. I feel like he is bored too, it’s not working. It’s disappointing.
Here’s what happens:
I climb on top and he gets a really happy look in his eyes, like his teenage dreams are coming true. EVERY TIME. Maybe that’s what knocks my confidence. How am I going to live up to the fantasy? I start moving my hips but another barrier shows up. I am f*cking him.
I’m grinding on his pubic bone to stimulate myself while he’s inside me. I'm aware that I’m using him for my pleasure. I get into it but I’m reluctant to climax or edge toward it because I don’t want to let go without considering him … and I’m having lots of thoughts: Does this feel good for him? He’s not reeling in pleasure… is he bored? Do I suck at this? Speed it up… Also, I get tired in this position. Can you see there’s a lot going on?
I’m way too much in my head. I’m not letting my body lead and he can feel it. We both can.
Performance vs embodiment
There are two sides of the scale here. The first is performative sex.
What is performative sex?
"Performative sex is goal-orientated sex that closely follows a script," says sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis. "It becomes like a performance where you feel like you have to act out or follow predefined roles."
Hands up, we’re all guilty. But here is an opportunity to deepen. Sure, I could keep riding him, bring on my porn star persona and pretend until I’m not pretending anymore. That could work and I’ve done this successfully a few times while sozzled … but it’s not my full time vibe.
I’m up for a little “play” or “performance”. It’s hot. But I’d really like the foundations of my sexual experience to be well, grounded in me, my body and my pleasure. (I know that may sound selfish, but hey…I’m writing this piece to figure this out so I can be a vixen on top and give us BOTH a delicious experience). I’ve experienced embodiment before and it's deep as fuck. Somehow I just became a little lost along the way.
I feel adrift up there because my pleasure and sexiness (sexual energy) is not coming from within me. I'm in my own head. I’ve lost my confidence and I’m trying to create it through thoughts and actions.
Truth is, I haven’t done any work to prepare myself for being on top. I haven’t educated myself (on positions or techniques) or built up my sexual charge or enjoyment of this position. I'm just expecting a phenomenal sexual experience to magically “happen”.
In a conversation with Susana Frioni on the Love, Sex, Desire podcast, intimacy coach John Wineland says: “You can’t express a certain sexual energy or relational energy if your nervous system hasn’t been trained to own it … Every energy we want to share has to be installed in our nervous system first.”
I don’t like the word “own” but I get it. Deep practice will get me there. I’ll report back next week. Charity begins at home.
*This article was written from a cis gender, heteronormative POV. This is a single story in the spectrum of sexuality.
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