In shying away from my partner’s request to take him anytime, anywhere I reached out to my female friends to see how they felt about taking control in the bedroom. Here are some of their responses.
I talk to my friends about sex and we share sexual insights. It helps. I fondly remember voice noting a friend when I was abroad, about to meet up with my lover in a foreign city. I asked her to tell me her instructions for how to give the best blow job. She’d recently been on a course, learned the proverbial ropes and tried it on her partner with explosive results. She voice noted back her step-by-step guide. It worked. God bless her sexy soul.
When I was faced with my lover's desire to be ravished in the bedroom and felt myself pull back, instead of turning to Google, I turned to my friends. Under the premise of writing this story of course. Here’s what they had to say:
Okay wait, initially a few were confused … “What do you mean ‘take a man’? Like, ‘take him to the cleaners?’” Once we got clear on what I meant, the answers started flooding in.
“My sexuality isn’t wired that way.”
“Contrary to any beliefs, I’m actually quite gentle in bed.”
“I’ve been so committed and deeply in my yin and feminine energy that it’s difficult to imagine.”
WHAAAAAT? I was a little surprised. What’s going on? Where is the image of the female in her “fuck me” boots at the foot of the bed coming from?
Then another beep on my phone.
“Honestly, I would panic if my man asked me this.”
See, I’m not the only one!
“There’s some resistance around the language for me.”
“I want to control the situation in the masculine, dominant way that men traditionally have, but at the same time feel soft and desirable, sexy and wanted. It’s complicated.”
“From time to time, taking charge can be fun but I do enjoy a more sensual way to love making.”
“If he wanted me to be more assertive – well sure. I’m happy to initiate sex and push him around a little, be on top etc.”
“For me it means holding wrists down and doing what I will in response to his wants and desires.”
“I fantasise about the act of taking a man all the time … I wish it was safe and acceptable to approach a man and tell him exactly what I want to do to him.”
“I haven’t had the opportunity to explore taking charge in an intimate situation as my embodied self yet.”
Look, this isn’t a mass survey with 1000s of respondents. But the dominant (excuse the pun) message I’m hearing is most of these women like to be in their feminine. Receiving pleasure. Receiving c*ck. And there’s some who have no problem taking the wheel for a while either. Like one of them said, it’s complicated.
Personally, I like to be the one being taken. I enjoy a lot of foreplay, admiration and attention leading to some slow sensual sex and then some bed-shaking action.
This is what it feels like for me, to be taken fully. It’s about being the centre of the other persons’ attention. However, as much as I and other women want to be ravished by our partners, they want to be ravished too – and rightfully so.
We ALL want to be desired. “When a partner is initiative with sex, they’re telling us that they’re attracted to us and that they want us sexually,” says Searah Deysach, sex educator and owner of Early to Bed. “This is a big turn-on for a lot of people – it builds self-esteem, and it can make sex more freeing if you feel like you are the object of someone’s desire.”
I realise now, the foundation of taking someone sexually, and I see this in a mature, hot and sensual sense, is them being the centre of my attention. Maybe that's what he was asking for – my concentrated, unadulterated sexual attention.
*This article was written from a cis gender, heteronormative POV. This is a single story in the spectrum of sexuality.
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