A love, sex and relationship coach explains why and offers 3 ways to help.
Let’s talk about stress baby, let’s talk about you and me!
One of the bullet points you might read if you are researching things like female desire or wanting more sex (or whatever the thing is you search for at 11pm in between scrolls of bread baking) … is “reduce or manage stress levels”.
And if you live in 2024 and don’t exist in a vacuum you may laugh, cry or swear and say … sure pal, but how???
I wrote this article to help answer that question. And if you read it to the end you will know some actual stuff you can do!
First let’s talk about why stress often decreases interest in sex, reduces sexual arousal and interferes with orgasm. (By the way – there may be humans and women reading this right now where stress may increase libido. That’s totally normal too – just less common.)
Our body and brains are always working together to survive i.e. stay alive. That’s their job. That’s their focus. Having orgasms, even having babies is not necessary for individual survival. In fact, the body and brain think that in times of stress, it is safer to not be fooling around. Makes sense, right? If you think back to cave-person times and the old “getting chased by a lion” imagery that is often given for stress you would probably not stop for a little nipple stimulation.
When we enter a state of neurological and physiological stress (i.e. get stressed) our body releases a flood of adrenaline and cortisol. The stress hormones in our complex beautiful system prioritise survival functions = breathing, blood flow, heart rate, escaping, maintaining the right temperature and remaining with the tribe. The hormones for non-essential functions like feeling frisky or having an O are reduced.
In summary…
Experiencing stress = our systems focus on survival.
Getting jiggy = not necessary to survive.
Currently, we often go from stressful thing to stressful thing producing ever-increasing amounts of adrenaline and cortisol. From coffee and getting kids up, to traffic, to an urgent conference call, to checking on our parents, to fighting with our spouse, to doing homework and making dinner, to checking mails. If there is a moment to “relax” we fill it with HIT workouts, self-improvement podcasts and guilt.
It makes total sense that if our bodies have been in survival mode the whole day, pumping blood, dealing with (what it perceived as) danger that it does not magically know that at 9pm in the evening it is safe for sexy time. So then we don’t feel like it. So then we feel stressed that we “never feel like it”. So then we have more stress hormones.
Let’s be real – most of us are walking around with decades of stress simmering away in our chemistry, changing our blood pressure, hormones, digestion, and our immune functioning. And when our bodies have been constantly making and pushing out stress hormones, over time they get used up. In other words, we burn TF out. Chronic stress (i.e. being stressed over a long time) often disrupts the menstrual cycle, decreases fertility, lactation and genital response and increases pain and discomfort in sex. Stressed bodies with contracted muscles do not feel as much sensation and are more inclined to notice pain. Activated nervous systems are more inclined to perceive danger. We’re on edge.
We may then stop having intimacy and pleasure and that can have a massive impact on how we perceive ourselves as women or our relationship. We can feel alone, cold, distant, disconnected, angry, hurt, resentful. So then we are frazzled and worried about our relationship and feeling pressured to have the damn sex and we judge ourselves. We are in our heads and overwhelmed, so we struggle to relax and notice any pleasurable sensations. Super hot, right?
If you find yourself in some version of this cycle I’ve got a threesome suggestion for you along with a little more information about stress.
Firstly, things that stress us out/activate the production of stress hormones that come at us from the world around us are called “external stressors”. So things like work deadlines, traffic, bills to pay, or fights with your partner. External stressors are personal – so what is stressful to me may not be stressful to you (just like what is hot for me may not be hot for you).
Solutions? Identify what those stressors are – actually write down a list of them. Then try and reduce them – delegate/say no/hire support/change where you can. Find out more about your turn offs in this article.
2. Things that stress us out may also be more subtle. So … feeling shitty about the size of your thighs, criticising yourself for not wanting sex “enough”, feeling resentful because your partner spent the evening on the couch watching sports while you cooked and cleaned the kitchen, feeling bored with the same old same old in the bedroom and wondering if this is it forever, comparing yourself to pornography, worrying about the length of time it takes you to orgasm. These are internal stressors.
Solutions? This one is a “working with your mind and emotional health” kind of thing. Can you start identifying things you say to yourself that are unhelpful? Can you write those down and start questioning them? Can you talk to your partner? Can you let go of what you cannot control? Can you work with a coach or therapist? Can you identify thoughts that might be more friendly towards your erotic self? Can you remember your hottest experiences and bring in more of those factors (or daydream)? Can you read female-friendly erotica? Pick one and start there.
3. We need to be using up stress hormones and let our bodies know that we are safe. Every dang day.
Solutions? Exercise! Deep slow breaths! Creative expression! Pleasure! Connect to a sense of meaning and purpose! Positive social interaction! Laughter! Affection! Feeling our feelings – allowing an angry scream, a cry! These activities release powerful hormones and chemical compounds that have a down-regulating effect on stress hormones. So if we stop work, take a walk in nature, have a little dance session in the lounge, take some deep breaths, hug our partners and have a warm bath our body can notice safety and then be more open for other kinds of activity (not just surviving). Ironically physical affection, touch, pleasure, and orgasms all help us manage stress too.
So there we go. We live in 2024. We live with stress. The body is doing a good job when it deals with stress and shuts down non-essential functioning. Sex is non-essential functioning. “Managing stress” to feel more inclined to turn towards sexual experiences means 1) reducing stressors (things that stress us out) 2) working on your mental and emotional wellbeing concerning sex AND 3) building in time to use up stress hormones.
Easy to say, challenging to live.
Interested in learning more? The link to my sexual wellness course outline for women is available here.
What clients say about working with Coach Maude:
"Having Maude in my corner as I negotiated intimacy and dating after divorce was instrumental. Maude is a coaching fairy. Before working with her I was so shy and uncomfortable with my body. I felt like I couldn't talk to friends or even my therapist. I felt alone and pretty hopeless. Today I am dating confidently and having a VERY good time. My favourite moment of this experience was openly discussing my body and brainstorming ways to communicate what feels good to me. I would recommend working with Maude to every woman out there." Jackie, 44.
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