SheSays researches Gabor Mate's perspective on loneliness and discovers a treasure.
After my first post, I checked what Gabor Mate had to say about loneliness. I didn’t have to search far. The second YouTube video was a short excerpt from a conversation where he made two clarifying points. He wasn’t commenting on loneliness per se, more on someone feeling helpless, but being lonely was mentioned so I’m running with it. As it adds up, you’ll see.
Interviewer: So somebody who is suffering, [they’re saying] “There is nowhere for me to turn, there is nothing I can do, help is expensive…” They are lonely. (I hooked onto the lonely part)
Gabor Mate: Who is even talking that way? Which part of you is talking that way? The part that is there is the part that cares about you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t care about any of that stuff. So there is a part of you that really cares about you.
<Then Mate gives some suggestions of what you can do if you can’t afford therapy>
Interviewer: So somebody will say “It won’t work for me.”
Gabor Mate: Then I’d say, who is saying that? Which part of you believes that it won’t work for you? I’m sure you’ve had lots of disappointment. But which part of you is convinced? Well, the part that is convinced that it won’t work for you is the part that was hurt so badly in childhood that you saw no way out. And you’re still seeing it through the eyes of that child.
You can watch the video here.
When you recognise that you’re feeling lonely, who is doing the recognising? He says that it’s the part of you that cares. There is a part of you that cares for your wellbeing. Isn’t that sweet? And kind? And loving? You are sweet, kind and loving.
The second point he made was that it’s the hurt part of yourself, from an experience in your childhood, that believes your loneliness is incurable (in my case, what keeps me frozen and not reaching out). I’m responding to the situation from the space of the child, not the adult who I am.
Wow. I feel that. And I believe it’s interchangeable with any emotion or feeling that another person may be struggling with.
When I feel lonely, I feel a hurtness inside of me, in my heart region. Part of it is me feeling like a loser for being alone, feeling FOMO. I feel tension in that region too, a stuckness, as well as a reluctance to reach out. In the past three years since I got divorced, when it has been more acute, I thought practising new behaviours would remedy my moments of loneliness, like reaching out to a friend and telling them how I feel. I do that now. But I choose to do that with a friend who is living abroad. She cannot respond to the situation with physical presence. There’s no room for rejection or despair if that person is not available to me.
For me, practising new behaviours, like being more organised with my social calendar, has been a “topical” treatment. It can lead to busier weeknights and a more robust social life. But it’s up to my heart and body to catch up. What I’ve learnt is the only cure for loneliness is connection.
For a while, I thought solitude might be the answer. To graduate from loneliness to the fullness of being alone. As I type this, I am in a bubble of pleasant solitude. But it comes after spending quality time with others, when I long for an evening alone. To catch my breath. I have enjoyed solitude, especially going to the beach and soaking up the sun, swimming, eating a bagel, listening to my favourite music through my earphones, or reading. I enjoy each moment. Everything sparkles. It’s been a memorable experience of solitude for me. Enjoying my own company. But I don’t want to live a life of solitude.
I don’t believe solitude is an antidote to loneliness. As I’ve battled my loneliness, I have come to believe in companionship and community. It’s wonderful to feel solitude. However, like bliss, the good feeling comes and goes.
Deep down, I know that sharing my life with a great partner/s will remedy loneliness, but I can tell even by this brief exploration that there’s something deeper here. It’s what Gabor Mate was referring to.
I know this default stuckness in a lonely state relates to something in my childhood. I thought I could discuss it with my therapist but she was reluctant to go there and when I started explaining, it felt like navel gazing. I am at peace with my past. I’ve done the work there. Truly.
As I close this exploration for now, I recognise there is a hook of this in my past. And I invite alternative therapy, like family constellation therapy or psilocybin, to show me this fragment and to help me integrate it as the adult, to hold and heal the wound in my child self. I know it’s coming. But I also realise, that right now I AM GOOD, I AM FULL, I AM WHOLE. When it happens, I will unhook myself.
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