Taking control in the bedroom: From lost to enlivened

When SheSays got curious about her resistance to taking charge in the bedroom, it lead her back into her power.

I thought by the time of writing this final piece, I’d have the answers. That I’d be owning it as the woman on top. But I’m not. Yet. I’m just a woman doing her homework. Here are the insights I’ve gathered, which have helped me build up my sexual confidence again.

Two words. Self pleasure

I could just drop the mic and leave the story here. If you know, you know. Self-pleasure is the mainline to embodiment. The first act of sexual embodiment and being in agreement with your own nervous system, is through self pleasure.

I knew I couldn’t write this final piece if I wasn’t self-pleasuring. I would still be in my head, and not in my body. Take a look at the different woman-on-top positions below and tell me if they don’t make you hot?

It sent me straight to my bedroom, in the middle of the day.

How can I expect to pleasure a partner if I don’t know how to pleasure myself? When my partner reached out across the sea, talking about being dominated, I was not in my self-pleasure power. (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read the first part of this story.)

At the time, I was on holiday with my parents. Living under the same roof as family is not a sexual accelerator for me. It’s a brake. There was no touching myself happening there. No multiple Os. I received the request from my lover when I was in a polar opposite space to him. No wonder I was wondering how the F would I do it!

Sex education lite

I have never educated myself about sex or sex positions. I just thought I’d learn on the job. Have you ever been in a sexual encounter with a person and thought…omg, they are performing something on me that they’ve read/ seen somewhere? When a person does the circular tongue technique when they’re going down on me…where’d you learn that boy? That’s textbook. It doesn’t work. For me.

What I’m getting at is there’s going to be some distance between what you read/ see and what actually works. Each person’s pleasure is unique and I suspect some stuff is just bad information.

With that as a disclaimer, let’s get into some sex ed.

The Bad Girls Bible has done the best job with 18 Women on Top Positions to get us started. It’s not just cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. There are MANY options. If you click on the link for one position, it gives you even more positions related to that one.

I find their how-to guide easy to understand and informative for both parties. It was a turn-on finding new positions I would like to try. I like Thigh Tide, Lotus (I’ve done Lotus but I’d like to try it sitting right up close, and slower) and Crab.

If you want some step-by-step help to overcome your own insecurities about being on top, this article on how to ride your man broke it down really well. Side note: I liked the use of an eye mask as a practical alternative instead of faffing around with scarves.

Taking the lead in the bedroom is a choice. You’ve got to want to. For me, it requires embodiment and confidence. (Not forgetting the starting point of your partner being the centre of your attention). My pathway to taking charge has been through self pleasure and educating myself. I’m back in the driver’s seat and I’m playfully curious about where this may be heading.

What about you? Do you like leading in the bedroom? Do you have a woman-on-top position you prefer? Comment below, it's completely anonymous. All comments are listed as 'guest'.