I never struggled to orgasm – until now.
I love to orgasm. It’s refreshing. It’s a reset for me, my body, and my mind. I feel healthy after I orgasm. I feel in alignment with myself and the universe. The past few months, it has been very quiet in that department. I need to figure out why.
I met a guy through the online dating app Hinge. It was the second “online” date I’ve ever been on and the first where I agreed to a second date. He was handsome. Big, oval brown eyes, and a thick mop of curly black hair. He had worked abroad and I was genuinely interested in what he had to say. But I wasn’t sure about him, he looked like the youngest person in the bar and had a nerdy undertone I couldn’t overlook. The next day I messaged and said I foresaw us being friends. He asked for a second date. There had been chemistry. As I’d said goodbye to him the night before, my yoni lit up, so I thought, what the hell, I’ve got nothing to lose.
I have been blessed. Like I said, he’s nice to look at, we have good conversations and my body lights up when we lock lips. Also, he’s got a gorgeous c*ck and is into light BDSM. LOL (he says that a lot too) – what can I say, at the moment I seem to like the younger guys. I feel safe and at ease with him. I’ve never experienced handcuffs and a little rope before, so I was definitely staying for that. But here’s the catch. It has been weeks of me visiting his place, hot nights and sensual and hawt weekend mornings, but I have not orgasmed once.
Recently, when I visited him one evening, I was on my cycle and had told him I just wanted to cuddle. Things started getting a little steamy and I was reconsidering my options when he told me he’d climaxed twice that day. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Here I’m lying in his arms, on his couch and I haven’t climaxed in TWO FUCKING MONTHS. Stop.
You may be asking yourself, girl, what the hell are you still doing there?
I’m still there because I am edging, the f*cking is so good. I’m so close. And also … because I enjoy the man’s company. It’s nice to have somewhere to go on a Friday night, someone to share a glass of wine with, to touch and, you know … the chemistry and falling into bed. It’s fun and it ticks the box of what I wanted to experience in my life post-divorce.
But I’m not orgasming.
I’ve lost my voice
During sex with others, they made me orgasm - plenty. 81.6% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone (without additional clit stimulation). That’s me. This man isn’t used to stimulating a woman while having penetrative sex. He goes down on me plenty and loves it but still, I can’t c*m.
Since becoming more embodied I’ve wanted to practice being more directional in bed. I was going to say vocal, but that’s happening already. What I mean is… “I like it like this” or “a bit more to the left”. In this encounter, I’ve become far quieter. It’s been so long since I’ve climaxed, I’ve lost my voice. I don’t know where to start. He’s asked me to give him directions and I have a bit … but barring a full-blown masterclass, I feel a little shy to take full control of this, like it’s selfish. I’ve considered masturbating in front of him. I’ve started, but I never wanted that. Now, because it has been so long, I’m reticent to let go in front of him, in an animalistic sense, because there’s an expectation (he’s watching, waiting), and because I don’t know what I will look like, I fear I might look like a wounded gorilla (the dramatic one in the troop).
The other girls use toys
I've tried stimulating myself while we’re having sex, and that doesn’t work. In certain positions, my yoni feels different with a d*ck in it. She feels like a strange, fleshy organ and I can’t connect. He starts stroking and then stops. Some of you reading this might be frustrated by now, toys darling … we use toys. I see the benefit in a toy, for creating distance between me and this strange, moist sea creature that has become my yoni. But I don’t use a vibrator when I’m alone (I have a wand) and haven’t needed to before with other men. Also, I don’t want to spend money on something I’m not sure I’ll like, or use alone, and can’t return. This is my O dilemma. I can’t do it, he can’t do it
It has affected my self-pleasure practice
I was reading body-positive female sex stories on Instagram recently and Eleanor (31) said: “I love my private parts! I think my vagina is pretty and I can have a clitoral orgasm in 60 seconds.” F*ck off Eleanor. When I self-pleasure it’s like a catholic mass. Doors locked, curtains closed, scented candles, soft lighting, music (I even have a special playlist). But from living alone and self-pleasuring whenever I want, I now have a housemate who works from our apartment, so this little church mouse isn’t getting much action on the home front.
On the rare occasion when I feel like it, the flat is available and the stars align, it’s like my sexual pleasure neural pathway has been messed with. I feel like a robot. Rubbing and rubbing, getting hot and frustrated. Something organic, alive, is missing in my body. I move through these superficial layers until finally, I return to a softer place. A place of my knowing, a trusting place, a deep, quiet, primal place … and from there I can tune in and soar. And then I laugh and sigh and hug myself because I’ve returned, the orgasmic O is still possible. But it feels as if now it’s buried under layers and layers and I don’t always have the road map. Have I been performing too much in an effort to reach an O? Have I confused my body, have I confused my sacred pleasure system? Has she hidden herself from me because I’ve hidden from her? WTF is going on?!
Closed heart, closed yoni?
A friend suggested I may be struggling with the O because my heart is closed. Initially, I disagreed because I believed it was purely practical: Touch me this way, and I’ll c*m. But maybe she is right.
I recently healed from a heart break and it took about a year. Right now, I don’t want to fall in love again. I just want to have fun. So yes, to a degree my heart is closed to serious love. I love the guy I’m with now – as a person. Could I be unwilling to let go for fear of letting in? It feels true as I write it. Does this mean I have to love every person I sleep with? I don’t think so. I believe that’s too much of a currency to exchange for an orgasm.
I’m stuck. I want to O with him but I don’t want my O to take centre stage. WTF to do. This church mouse needs to find her voice and talk to him. He’s away at the moment. I’ve been thinking that on his return I’d also like to change the tempo, change my approach. I want to drop the performance. I want to make LOVE, that’s where the juice is. No performance, no tricks just connection. I don’t have to be in love with him to do this, I don’t have to be in long-term commitment to him to do this, it’s for the moment. But it does put me at risk. And him too. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I want to break through to the other side with him.
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