What I've learnt from 46 years of marriage

Anne-MarieB shares how she's survived a lifelong commitment.

Marrying young and staying together until you’re old is a privilege for many reasons.

My favourite is you can always close your eyes and remember just how hot, young, and well-built the love of your life was. The outside changes A LOT but the man or woman you married is still right there at your side and you love them with all your heart – most of the time.

Know that the person you marry will not be the only one from that day onwards whom you will be attracted to. You will have feelings for others. It's what you do with those feelings that counts. I've had an electrifying attraction to another person but never voiced those feelings to them, nor he to me. It was all in the eyes. The world would never know what chemistry was happening inside the two of us. It was magnetic. But I knew that with this person, it would be all sex and excitement and would end after that died down. I chose not to act on my feelings, rather I embraced them because it made me feel alive and excited.

I went home and used that energy on my real warts-and-all partner. He didn't have to know where my desire came from. It works both ways and I'm sure my partner experienced the same during the course of our marriage. The attraction to the other person will pass if you are content in your relationship and know that the last thing you want is to lose it. And besides, while this attraction is in your “field” you will have amazing sex. There were a few more occasions where I had feelings for others but not like this time.

Sometimes I don't like, like REALLY don't like my husband. I could probably throttle him if I was a violent person. I obviously don't because he’s still here, but I end up using words to hurt him.

The awful things I've said are not retractable. Over the years I've controlled the urge to hurt him with words and tried to fight fair. It’s not easy. If I do fight dirty and use hurtful words, I apologise and explain why I said what I did once we are friends again. As we've matured, we fight nicer. NEVER write down bad things about another person, words written cannot be erased.

I've loved building our dream home together. It's a project that has been a gift that keeps on giving, but it has also been taken away. We bought our first house at the tender ages of 22 and 23. We lost that house to a bad business decision seven years later. We lost everything, so we started again, taking busses to work, saving to buy a car, then saving to buy a house again. It's like building Lego, one block at a time. Sometimes the risks you take don't work out and you have to duck and dive to get through the hectic times. We stood together and got through to the other side.

"It feels safe and comfortable like your favourite trackie pants."

Embarrassment could hold me back from exploring new sports and activities but I refuse to let it stop me from experiencing life to the fullest. I don't like missing out, so I dig deep and embrace the possibility of looking foolish. My darling definitely will not make a fool of himself and that irritates the sh*t out of me. I want him to share in the excitement of these new adventures too. But there is an upside to doing these things on your own because you meet new friends. So I leave him to do him, his way, not mine.

I've learnt that my hero husband is as vulnerable as I am. I'm the kind of woman who needs to see the man in her life as a strong mind, body, and soul kind of hero. My father was that person and then my husband took his place. It's BULLSHIT I know and I've learnt this hero worship I've had and still have is unfair. I know I shouldn't expect a human being to be a hero. But hey it's my life and I like a hero in it.

My heroman gets scared and vulnerable and worries and isn't perfect like I want and expect. When he falls off the throne I created for him I have to step up to the plate and take over that position, without breaking him down or letting him know that I know he is weak at that particular time. I build him up and wait it out until I see his confidence return and I breathe a sigh of relief because without his confidence I don't feel grounded. He is my rock.

In a marriage, there are two very different people. Sometimes so different you have no clue how you actually stay together. My husband and I come from different upbringings. So we feed off what we got out of our childhood homes and it seems to work. We use what skills we have learnt and what we enjoy in our life together. He cooks and I maintain the house (except for the heavy stuff, he will help or not, and then I just leave it or get someone in to do it). Reversed roles for sure but it works. No pink and blue jobs here.

The two hardest things I've ever done in my life are marriage and parenthood. In marriage, I always have to consider the other person when all I want to do is be selfish and do whatever the hell I want. Children take YOU away from YOU. You will never be you again. You are now the mother of... The responsibility of keeping this little pink bundle of screaming vomit and pooh alive is your life's work. It never goes away even once they leave home and are grownups. You worry and care and want only the best for them.

My husband and I were poles apart when it came to parenting. We poured our love into them together but his attitude was “let them be” and mine was “'they need guidance and discipline”. They are adults now and I think his way was better, to be honest. It's a tough job but so rewarding too. We both love and adore them with every inch of our being.

Whenever I feel my husband and I are drifting apart, and believe me we can drift along very well but eventually it gets lonely and you want to draw back in, one of us will say hey, what's up here? We will get together and have a chat, nothing deep because sometimes there isn't a reason, it just happens. We get out of our space and do something else, like a drive, a walk or hike, a bike ride, just something to connect again. I've learnt not to overcomplicate these “drifts” or try figure them out. We just change course.

Am I happily married? What does happily married mean? Nobody can be happy all the time, that's an impossible ask. I'm content and happy in my marriage most of the time but sometimes I wanna get the hell away from it all. So I do. I make sure I have a variety of friends outside the marriage and do different things for fun. I ride my bike, climb a mountain, or swim in the sea and he does his thing too. We mostly enjoy doing the same things and are both outdoors people (I can't imagine being with someone who isn't) but we can also do all our activities without one another and when we return home we appreciate each other so much, it feels safe and comfortable like your favourite trackie pants.

My advice to anybody asking how to make your marriage work would be to focus on what works and work on what doesn't.